My Weight Loss Journey

If you know me at all, you know I've struggled with my weight all my life. I'm overweight. After 30 years, I've accepted that fact.

About 7 years ago, a friend and I joined Weight Watchers. I started running and did an exercise video at home 1 - 2 times a day, 7 days a week. I lost 25 pounds. And I felt great. I wasn't at my goal weight, but I was happy with the progress I had made.

Then I moved. I lost my WW buddy. I lost my routine. I lost a really cool WW leader that made the weekly meetings enjoyable. I tried going to meetings here locally, but the leaders just didn't do it for me. Either the lady preached and cried (yes, she literally CRIED in the meetings) about how great her boys were, or the other lady had this super annoying cackle of a laugh - and she liked to laugh - a lot. Too much, that I couldn't stand it. Eventually, I stopped going to meetings and dropped the plan all together.

When I got engaged, I wanted to be the beautiful skinny bride. It was completely doable too. 1 - 2 pounds a week and I would have been at my goal weight by my wedding date. But that didn't even motivate me. Granted, planning a wedding is extremely time consuming, so something had to give. I ended up losing 15 pounds by the wedding day, but I was far from my goal.

Fast forward 2 years, 3 months after the wedding. I am 30+ pounds above what I weighed at my wedding. Holy Fucking Shit! I am so disappointed with myself. How did I get here??

So here I am. At a parting of ways. A new lease on life. I need to do this. For me. For Brian too, because I am scared to death that I'm going to develop health issues because of it - like diabetes, heart disease, you name it. Not to mention possible complications when we decide to have a child. And I really want to be a cute, old, wrinkly married couple that have been married for decades. You know.....the kind that have matching shirts. And if I continue on this path, that's probably not going to happen.

So, I have had it with looking at myself in a mirror, looking at myself in pictures and being disappointed. I have had it with crying in my closet whenever I have to get dressed. I have had it with shopping at "large women" stores because they are the only one's that carry my size - and then hate that they aren't that stylish. I HAVE HAD IT.

And I'm doing something about it. I refuse to see this as just another diet. This is a lifestyle change.

After months of paying for a gym membership (that I would only go about once a month), I decided that it was time to see what kind of classes they offer. Unfortunately, there was only one class that fit into my schedule. It's a step class that is twice a week. I've never done any kind of class before. I was always afraid that I would be viewed as a lazy lump because I wouldn't know all the steps or I couldn't keep up. That was a mortifying image to me. But I bucked up the courage and went. It's been three weeks now and I absolutely LOVE it. It kicks my ass, I sweat profusely, and I'm exhausted when I get home. But I love it. I love how I feel when I get home. I have more energy and I sleep better. Now, I'm going to kick it up a notch. Now that I've gotten into a pretty good routine, I want to add additional gym visits. I've tried making it a Mon - Fri type deal, but sometimes my schedule doesn't work or I'm just really tired when I get home. So, I want to start going Fri, Sat and Sun. Because we have a house now and funds are pretty limited, we don't go out of town nearly as much as we used to. I typically get up early - a few hours before Brian - so I could potentially go to the gym, get in an hour of workout time, come home and he'd be getting up. So, that's my next goal. I want to get a workout at least 5 times a week. It's a big leap from 2 times a week that I'm getting in now, but I know that that is my key to losing weight. More so than food.

Speaking of food, I've also changed my dinner habits. I have an addiction to cookbooks. Yet, I don't cook that much - strange huh? I am out of the house at least 12 hours a day, so when I get home....I'm tired. Brian cooks a lot and is constantly trying to get me to cook more. So, I pulled out my WW cookbook that I made, a new Hungry Girl cookbook and a Rachael Ray cookbook. Each Sunday, I go through the cookbooks and select 5 - 6 recipes that sound quick, easy and healthy. It's been 2 weeks now, and I've cooked nearly every night. I contribute my new exercise routine to aiding in my energy level to cook. I've always liked to cook (well, I like baking more), but I never seemed to have the energy to do it. Now, I feel like I do. And I have not been disappointed yet in any of the recipes I've tried. Brian even likes them. Although, I try to stick to things that are on his "will eat" list!

Additionally, I have joined Weight Watchers online. I've been following it for a few weeks now, but very loosely. Fridays are my weigh-in days. I haven't been really keeping track of points (when I say not really, I mean not at all). Starting tomorrow, I am going to religiously track points. Back in the day, I was really good about it. I think there is an added discipline that you need to have in order to successfully lose weight using the online version (as opposed to attending meetings). I've done WW online, off and on, for several years now with no real success. But that's my fault. I'm not disciplining myself. There's a certain scare tactic that is used when you attend meetings. Each week, you go into a meeting, where someone other than you weighs you. They see whether you have gained or lost. They mark it on a card. If you lose, they reward you - either with praise, a Bravo, or a verbal recognition in front of the other attendees. But if you gain, they know it, you know it and you feel horrible because of it. With online, you don't have the same accountability. You are the only one that sees whether you gain or lose. You can chose to accept it, change it, or ignore it. I found myself giving in to temptation a lot more because I didn't have the accountability. But that is about to change.

I want to use this blog as a scare tactic. Each week, I will hold myself accountable to each weigh-in. I have added a ticker at the top, to show my progress. I will vent, I will praise myself - but most importantly I will be truthful to myself. Because I need to do this. For me.